Though Perry had been declining for weeks, and we knew he would soon die, when he did it left an emptiness. A softness. A sadness. A tenderness.
Too, his death was an awakening making me look at this gorgeous world with more appreciative eyes. This small orb we inhabit is simply spectacular. Particularly on these brisk, crisp, clear winter days.
How do I hold this appreciation close? How do I let the petty, small things roll off my back? Take the magnificence of it all and keep it in front of me?
I have the conviction that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Kristi pondered yesterday before learning of her Dad’s death where his spirit was? That in turn made me wonder where is the spirit of the demented? Of my dad with his dementia? He has his tender moments. Is that spirit or human? Is our “humanness” – those times when we are at our best – is that spirit? When the disease eats away the brain so the human has no restraint, is nasty – where is the spirit? Is it simply having this particular human experience?
Sitting outside in the cold, the birds are lovely. All singing as if it were spring. Mockingbirds, chickadees, robins, cardinals. The leaves are rustling in the wind – the few leaves left on our oak tree. It is absolutely delightful. And I am completely here.
Who’s experiencing this delight? My spirit or the human? Both? I feel a pulsing in my body. An aliveness. Is this because I am present in the moment? Are spirit and human one right now?
In these rare moments, I realize I am watching and listening and feeling, but not thinking. It is just a witnessing, observing. No judging or evaluating. I realize this is the often elusive thing they talk about in yoga, that I read about in meditating. I also know you can’t try to achieve these things. They have to just happen – as it did now. Why? Because Perry’s death has changed everything for the moment. Has put a light on what’s important. Has it brought the soul and human together? At least for this short time?
Perry’s death – his final gift to me. He stays with me, sends me deeper. The power of a loved one’s passing.